My Mid-life Crisis

I am having a bit of a mid-life crisis. I know, I am not that old--but if I do only live to be 80, then I am right on schedule.

Really, it is just lately, I feel caught between two desires. One, to be supermom--with the super obedient kids and super clean house (yes, you can drop in anytime) oh, and the super-cool outfit--and two, the overwhelming desire to just run away and be alone.

After twelve years of staying home, the prospect of someday having more than just one or two hours to do what I want--by myself--seems like a far off dream. And then I wonder, "what would I do with myself?" Who am I after twelve years of being consumed by these little people--and what did I used to do?

Sometimes I will have funny little memories about things I spent time on--pre-kids--like hand-washing my silk Victoria Secret's underwear and hanging it to dry. ( Oh, no need for that now--Costco's value pack of cotton briefs does just fine in the regular cycle.) Or how I used to visit the Gap day after day waiting for my favorite new item to make it's way onto the sale rack. Or just going out to eat--anywhere--during daylight hours--seems like a novelty. (Why pay to shovel down food as fast as you can while praying someone doesn't have a meltdown before the check comes?)

Lately, every time I get into the car without kids, I just see myself driving and driving and driving. It is not really where I am going. It is just that I can go. I can think. I can breathe. And then comes the question. "What do I want?" And really, that is the craziest part of the whole thing--because what else would I choose to do with my life? Would I want to be single or married without kids or some career woman? I know that if I didn't have my family that it would be the single desire of my heart--like being alone seems to be at times. Only it wouldn't be satisfied by one or two hours of being with some kids or visiting another family--like my being alone can.

So, I am caught now--feeling pulled at times between wanting that inconceivable "something else" out of life and knowing that what I have right in my lap is greater than anything else out there. And I have to wonder, do all mom's feel this way at some point in their lives? Do we all wake up from a sort of "diaper-changing induced slumber" to wonder "what happened to that person that used to be me?" Is this the point in life for me where I just do a bit of a self-adjustment? Re-aligning my "self" back towards my love of literature, and movies and music--where I had been obsessively focused on potty-training, discipline tactics, and sleeping through the night for the last decade?

So, maybe I am not "losing it" as I have seriously thought. Maybe this is a natural part of life-- another season. Maybe it is just that I can finally see beyond babyhood. Because, honestly, having five babies in 9 years can seriously convince you that it will never end.