Wednesday, May 26, 2010

up to the sprinkle donut

lucy and i have this sweet saying between us. it goes, "i love you up to the sprinkle donut." lately, it has turned into, "i love you up to a thousand sprinkle donuts, up to all the sprinkle donuts in the whole world."

we have a thing for sprinkle donuts.

really, i don't even remember when we first started it. i know it evolved out of the book Guess How Much I Love You--i love you up the the moon and back, etc. . .and it's grown from there.

lucy blesses me each and every day with how much she adores me, just for being me. but the crazy thing is that had it been my choice, i wouldn't have a fifth child.

what i am saying is that if i had been given the choice, before i got pregnant, to have another child, i would have, without a doubt chosen to be done. four was enough, more than enough for me. i am really the most unlikely person to have five kids. believe me. people who have known me--before kids--tell me this. they are shocked. me too.

believe me, me too.

when i found out i was pregnant, again, i was not excited. in fact, i think i was in denial. i didn't tell anyone. i secretly hoped it would go away. i knew this could not be good for my life. i knew it was not my plan and so it could not be God's plan. two days later i was on a women's retreat, in a small group with two women who desperately wanted to get pregnant, who'd miscarried and were struggling with their broken hearts.

i shook my head at God. why would you give me more? take mine and give it to them. it is too much for me.

i kept imagining my life as a board game--like candyland--just when i thought i was making some progress to getting my life back--i got that damn Mr. Mint and got sent back to the beginning. i hate that game.

i kept thinking it would just go away. i went shopping and bought regular clothes. i got to wear them for about two months.

it wasn't until i saw the perfect outline of her body on the ultrasound, that i gave up the fight.

and this is how i know, undoubtedly, that God knows what i need and desire in my heart, more than i know myself--because i love lucy up to the sprinkle donut. up to all the sprinkle donuts in the entire world. and each night i put her to bed, i thank God He didn't listen to me.